Reflecting on Insecurities
This one will be more personal and rambly than usual, I assume, and also a little bit embarrassing. I tend to avoid this kind of subject but I need to put it out there somewhere. Ideally I'd go back to therapy but that's not possible at the moment.
I've always been an insecure person. That was especially true during my childhood, when I was the only one in my friend group who liked certain things but I was too afraid to even mention them. I'm talking about anime, specifically. At some point I'm sure they knew about it, but I still kept everything to myself, and there were other things of that nature outside of that. I'm using anime as an example because, even outside school, I was too embarrassed to show that side of my to anyone else. I didn't like people to know that I liked that weird stuff, and I kept most of my niche hobbies to myself.
There were other things like writing. I had multiple started drafts of fantasy novels started, and for a couple years I wrote fanfiction. I think I eventually told my brother about that, but even to get to that point, it took me years.
And, only after years of retrospection, I realize that all ties with the fact I was afraid of going "outside the group." If I wanted to do something at school that went against what the friend group wanted, I wouldn't say anything. I wouldn't go talk to a girl I liked by myself because I was too afraid of going apart from the group; I was very shy generally, so I don't think I'd do it anyway, but the group pressure that I thought existed was definitely a thing that had influence on me. I don't even know why, honestly.
My mother tells me a middle school teacher, noticing that I had no confidence in myself, recommended her to start me on occupational therapy. I wasn't sure what it meant back then, and I still don't know now, I just never looked into it. Whatever the case, if that helped me when I was eight years old, it wasn't enough and I probably needed some actual therapy when I got older. I mean, I definitely needed it, I just couldn't recognize it. Would probably help me a lot with gender feels, too.
Speacking of which, I do think a lot of those insecurities had to do with gender feels, in retrospect. I don't feel a lot of that, let's say, social uneasiness anymore because I'm older and have more confidence in myself, and I would be lying if I said transition didn't help me to feel more comfortable since last year. That lack of confidence also plagued most of my adult life — it contributed a lot to make me feel constantly miserable at my previous, very toxic job, making me complacent and going along with the toxicness itself —, but I think I've been feeling better since I realized I was trans, I got a big boost in confidence.
Still, it hasn't fully healed everything. How could it? And that's where the embarrassing part comes, which is seeking validation from social media, and there's probably a bit of unintended parasocialness there too.
Yes, I do still use social media besides this blog, and I still have fun with it, but occasionally someone I respect will say something I disagree with, and since I respect them I'll feel disappointed and conflicted. I have little conviction on my own opinions apparently, and I start questioning if I'm right about feeling like that and second guess myself, looking for reasons to justify how I feel, and then I look for someone else I respect that agrees with me so I can feel secure again. It's exhausting and frustrating, and frankly I feel pathetic that this happens. It's right to question yourself and take from dissenting opinions, but I shouldn't start questioning how I feel so deeply, you know? Much less put so much thought into it.
And to be clear, I'm not talking about politics or anything like that. I'm sure that happens sometimes, but I've always considered that I know very little so I'm always trying to take some insight about the world and question myself. No, my wavering can begin with a critic I've been following for years saying a thing I like sucks. Yeah. Logically I know it's stupid, and it's not always that happens, but sometimes a certain tone in writing will awake something negative on me.
I'm trying to deal with it. I don't want to leave social media so I'm definitely aiming for more curated feeds and things like that, and simply logging in less. However, that won't end my issue, right? I want to go back to therapy at some point and maybe mend some things that need mending, that I'm probably not aware of. A main goal for my life is just living better with less stress, as now I recognize that most of my life has been the opposite in one way or another.
I am not reviewing this write-up cause I might change my mind and delete it, and I think it's valuable to have written it and publish, as putting it out there is usually good for me. I'm sorry if it's messy or hard to parse.