So I'm transgender
Yeah! I've been feeling really good and very happy since realizing I can just be a Girl. For sure one of the biggest things to happen to me so of course I'd write something about it. This was something I was struggling with for some ten years, so it's good to have some closure on it. Well, not necessarily "closure" per se, but certainly a huge step forward, after years of feeling "uuuuuuh?????". So I thought I'd share how part of this process went since I've had plenty of time to think about it.
I think the first time I had the thought of "maybe I'm transgender" was when I was 13 or 14. Things such as episodes in TV shows where characters change genders made me feel a certain way that I didn't understand at the time, it became somewhat of a fixation back then. Then, at one point I remember having this dream I was a woman, a bride specifically… and I was eating chicken with my bare hands at a wedding party while people stared at me (I still don't get it 100% myself). That left such an impression on me I started to wonder if I wasn't really trans. Then I remember doing a bunch of research about the topic… and shrugged it off. "Maybe I just like women's clothes." Yeah lol.
However, that feeling didn't go away. It came and went. Crossdressing was a constant thought I had, then occasionally I'd wonder about Gender again and end up shrugging it off. At one point I found out I was a bisexual and concluded those feelings were actually caused by my sexuality, and once I figured I liked guys it went away. Except it came back and never went away, but I could never manage to explore how I felt nor accept the way I felt.
Looking back on all that now, I realize I already knew I was trans, I had known it for a good while, deep down, even if I couldn't accept it properly. (When I say "accept it," I don't necessarily mean I was in denial, I just couldn't face it, in a way, it's a feeling that's hard to describe.) So, for the last couple years all I'd say was, "I don't feel like a man but I don't consider myself a woman either," which is definitely something that can work for many people! But in my case it was a wishy-washy attitude towards my actual feelings, and that's how I'd been living from my teen years to my mid-20s.
Then, last month I mentioned just a little bit of this experience to a friend, also trans, and in short she basically asked me if the idea of womanhood appealed to me. And, as I struggled to answer (and I really struggled), that was like having to face a bunch of feelings I was keeping locked inside. A gut punch, in a good way. It was instantly liberating, breaking just a little bit of the shell that was trapping me.
So, in a matter of a few days I was sure how I felt ("Girl"), and it was this constant feeling of euphoria with a boost of confidence and self-esteem. It's still a bit surreal to think about, but it was just that great. Like a switch flipping, and suddenly I'm another person. There was a wall surrounding me and I wasn't even aware until it broke down, and once it was gone I felt whole for the first time. This all probably sounds a bit too poetic or overblown but that's exactly how it felt, I genuinely don't know how to describe it in a different way.
And now I'm living a new phase of my life, where I actually feel like taking care of myself and my appearance. The transition process is going to be gradual and slow, but I'm determined to make it work the best I can. I'll get my ears pierced next week (!!!) and I'm arranging for more things of that nature to see how I feel. It's as overwhelming as it is exciting, but I'll keep going. You can expect me to not shut up about it for a while!