Training to be a Lady
…is the seventh episode of Turn A Gundam. It's not what I'm gonna be talking about but it's a really damn good episode. I just really wanted to use that as the title to a follow-up to my coming out post cause I've been thinking a lot about just the title. It's such a mood.
And I was waiting a bit before writing this because the last post got a bunch of eyes on it. Easily my most viewed post, I gained more views in this blog in the days since I've posted it than in any of the previous months I've been writing. On one hand I like that because it was something that was important to me to write and I've gained a lot of positive messages, including the first Neospring questions and e-mail I've ever gotten in response to a blog post. Someone said they really related to the things I wrote and that felt very special.
On the other hand, I also got a stupid transphobic rant on my Neospring and I'm more thankful than ever that you can block even anonymous people there. To be honest, I was half expecting that with the amount of clicks that post got, and I'm glad it was just one message. Whatever, I don't mind, it's been mostly support and love from my family and friends. Besides, I think that person described what I'm doing as "gender absurdity" which is such a funny phrase I'm still laughing about it.
And to be honest life hasn't changed that much. I think I was expecting it would change very quickly, but it's an internal change before anything else, really. After a bit of instropection, I realized the important thing is how I'm feeling, and I'll learn how to express that to the outside with time. I mean, I bought some clothes, some hats, got my ears pierced, attempted to paint my nails for the first time just last night (it did not go well but I'm very glad I'm trying it)… Things of that nature. And it's fine, I'm feeling fine. Early on I had this immense pressure to do a bunch of stuff at once and realizing I don't have time and money and knowledge to do everything at the same time, so I really had to learn how to dial down this anxiety of wanting to be a Lady as soon as possible. Because I already am one! I've been repeating this to myself sporadically and trying to get some confidence back when I'm feeling down.
"So you're not wearing skirts and dresses and all that yet?" No, not yet. First of all because I don't go out that much, and lately I've been working a lot so that's also a factor here, so while I'm at home I'm just wearing my comfortable usual clothes, which is how I prefer it. And then, I just don't have many new clothes, because that demands time and money as well, and I'm perfectly okay with taking things slowly. The important thing is I'm happy, right?
Gender aside, I've been doing what I always do. Following up on what I was talking a month ago, I started reading Dune Messiah, the insane and much shorter sequel to Dune that I'm having a blast with., and finished the original Saint Seiya anime, which is fantastic. I've now started the Hades Chapter, having finished the first arc just last night, which has also been fantastic but in a different way. It's as BIG and important as I remembered from my childhood, and now I appreciate a lot more what it's doing both visually and in terms of building all that stuff up. Good, good stuff. Thinking a lot about this two-language version of the OP lately.
And I probably haven't mentioned the very funny coincidence that I've been reading Ranma ½ for a couple of months now, right before I came out. I can openly admit now that I've always drifted towards stories with gender-bending or gender-defying elements for a reason, and that just so happened to be the one this time. It's fun, though, my perspective on Ranma as a character has been changing a little as I can now admit to myself I can relate to or find interest on some of the Gender going on in that series. It's also generally fun as shit, so I've been having a blast.
I think that's it for these past couple of weeks. It's refreshing to actually writing one of these posts and having things to say for once. Have a nice weekend, everybody.
EDIT: I forgot to mention in the post but I'm going by "Rafaela" now, Rafa is fine too as a nickname. This is not a chosen name set in stone or anything, but I'm seeing how I feel about it.