What I've been up to — April and May
I've been doing pretty good, all things considered. One of the main things I've dealt with the last couple years of my life was that feeling of loneliness and isolation, and while that hasn't gone away completely all the time, recently I've been feeling like I'm doing better in that area, actually going out with people and connecting in a way I hadn't done in a while. I'd talk more about it but I don't like giving that many details about my personal life, to be perfectly honest. I'm happy as far as that's concerned, is what matters.
Work has been stable, although the typical freelancer fear of "this might crumble any month" still remains, and I suspect it always will. But for now jobs have been coming with a certain consistency that allows me to get by for most months, and a little more than get by for other months, so I can't complain.
Although there are things I know I should be doing that I'm not doing, yet, due to burnout, and it makes me think maybe I'm not fit for this career. Which then led me to realize I could just go do something else. I mean, obviously it's not that simple, but while I've always thought, "Well, I don't know anything else I could do," I think it finally dawned on me I can study again. Maybe start a new college major, or a shorter course that might give me more options outside my current work field of translation. I theoretically can just do that, or, if work remains stable and I decide to keep at it (I hope that happens), I could go back to college just to study something I like — linguistics, maybe, or literature, or whatever. Now, I've never really gone to college, so there's a chance I'll hate it, or that I won't have patience to dedicate myself to work and school and will give up, but I'd like to try once. Realizing those doors are open for me has been a little liberating.
And, still on the subject of work, I've had a great experience last month reviewing subtitles for a project. I unfortunately can't say what it is or give any details, but, because it was a project that came with a lot of freedom, let's say, it was perhaps the first time where I felt like I was contributing with the translated text on a deeper level with my revision, actively shaping it into the best version it could be, and that's the most gratifying feeling. I feel the same thing when I see the reviews done to a translation I made and think it's improved by them, it's the joy of feeling like you're building something great as a team. Through that process, I even grew attached to the work itself, even though I don't think it's for me at all.
I believe I won't be credited, though, unfortunately — reviewers never are for some reason. Undervalued role, to be honest. However I can say the experience had a deeply rewarding effect on me, and for the first time I thought, "Wow I hope the fans enjoy our work" (mine and translator's, whose name I don't even know). It refreshed my love for the craft for the first time in a while. I wish every project could be like that, but this is a job like any other and there's no way that's possible. And, well, I in particular am very cynical towards a lot of the content I work with.
Since I had fun with that one job, a work that is very popular and will get a lot of eyes on it, I spiraled down into a mini reflexive crisis some weeks ago. Working in audiovisual translation nowadays mostly means (in my experience at least) working with streaming services, a model that nobody knows if it's even profitable and generates swathes of Content to fill its catalogue. So I just can't help sometimes, working on something that I think it's not very good, to stop and think, "Who the hell is even going to watch that?" And, logically, I'm sure a lot of people will, yeah. And I'm sure there's lot of good stuff amidst the Content, even. On the opposite direction, there's always been a lot of crap produced for TV and movie theaters. I am aware, don't get me wrong. But looking at streaming and some of the companies that pour money into it, and thinking about how much of what's being made looks like it was created in a lab to algorithmically appeal to a broad audience that supposedly exists, I can't help it but feel a little disillusioned, I guess. Whatever, I still enjoy doing this and am very grateful that I'm able to do it. You just can't help but think sometimes, as I assume every person who works in the entertainment industry does.
I don't want to end this on a negative note, anyway. That's part of why I haven't published anything recently, cause I don't want this blog to be just negativity, and I had a couple of negative drafts. So a section on things read and seen below.
I've finished reading Fellowship of the Ring and started The Two Towers, still following the Shelved by Genre podcast that just started covering that book. It's still early to say much but Treebeard is very cool I think.
Between the two Tolkien novels I've read the ghost story classic The Turn of the Screw, which is very decently creepy and more interesting than I had assumed at first. I'm sure probably everyone knows but there's more going on than just haunted mansion stuff — yet for some reason I thought it was just haunted mansion stuff. Lmao, lol even. Pleasant surprise.
I've also read the yuri manga Pietà by Nanae Haruno, which I thought was fantastic, and Boku wa Mari no Naka by Oshimi Shuzo. The latter was my first Oshimi manga after hearing about him a lot, and turns out he is as good as people say, that was an extremely engaging read througout with beautiful and haunting moments. I had actually read a couple chapters of Mari way back when I looked obsessively for body switching works in my early days of gender questioning; or rather, before those days properly started. I'm glad I didn't read far back then, I definitely wouldn't be ready for where that series goes, assuming it was even finished at that time.
And then I started Hagio Moto's Zakoku na Kami ga Shihai Suru and I'd rather not talk about it much yet, but it's a painful read that fortunate and unfortunately is giving me a lot to think about. Reminds me a lot of the Gregg Araki movie Mysterious Skin, not necessarily for its content (although there are similarities), but more so for how it's making me feel. Which is to say it's really heavy and I don't feel very good while reading, but it's so good and thoughtful I can't help but keep going.
And to finish it off, I haven't been watching much of anything, but I had a bit of a Hong Kong movie kick between April and May, having seen the girls with guns staple She Shoots Straight (you should see it if you like girls with guns), the Stephen Chow movies Love on Delivery and God of Cookery (so funny but also inspiring somehow), my first Tsui Hark-directed watch Peking Opera Blues (feminist comedy-adventure period piece? I love women and Brigitte Lin is great in that), and the absolute coolest thing I've ever seen Duel to the Death (a Japanese samurai and a Chinese warrior will Duel to the Deat™, and everyone is doing awesome and violent things).
I guess I really need to see more wuxia movies.